Date:	2009-08-26 13:39
Subject:	An Overdue Update
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful

   


  My life is so different since last I posted. I want to start a new account so I can blog about what is actually going on in my life.  If there is anyone who has been following this blog from FTM that wants my contact info just comment on this entry with your email address.  I owe the my ability to transition, literally, to the access and information provided by our online community.  Thank you so much and don't hesitate to hit me up for info.
(Pictures Left to Right: Me (almost 2 years on T), My nephew Benny, My partner's kid, My partner and his kid in an inflatable dolphin pool.)

Date:	2008-06-22 12:44
Subject:	omgz!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated

So...I attended Tommy and Aiden's fabulous drag bday party this weekend.
On the way home I found out that I have  prospective buyer for some of my artwork.
I so win. More on this as it develops...

Date:	2008-05-31 12:47
Subject:	Transport of my Dreams
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

http://www.therapyproducts.com/products_sunnybike.html


WANT.  The conversion kits are $800 Canadian dollars.  Someday....someday. If anyone know how to do this DIY style, I have a project for you (and I probably want to make-out with you).

 

Date:	2008-04-19 15:23
Subject:	My favorite childhood cartoon...
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Date:	2008-03-06 17:38
Subject:	You were Beautiful.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

Date:	2008-02-27 14:03
Subject:	She said she wished she was tough like me. Ha.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

No silly, when I'm nervous I put on my butch face.  I'm not tough, I just happen to not have died yet.  Heartache by itself isn't fatal though Goddess knows there are times when I've wanted to fix that.
  I know I'm adjusted to my antidepressants again because now I have a normal range of emotions.  I don't get stuck at the low end for quite so long.  I'm only there when it's appropriate. 
  Things are getting a lot better for Gabe and I.  I can't effin believe we made it through the winter with no heat or hot water.  Ok, not entirely. We showered over the farm fairly frequently and camped out there for a week or two. (Thanks guys.)  Still, I want a merit badge or something.
  Sometimes Aetna covers transition costs. Here's hoping Starbucks opted for that plan.

 

Date:	2008-02-02 11:19
Subject:	Four Months, Betch.
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

VoicePost 25K 0:07

(no transcription available)

It's such a relief.

Date:	2008-01-27 18:26
Subject:	Cuz you're filthy, and I'm gorgeous.
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless

  I'm doing my best to be productive even as my mind swims with fears of eviction/hunger/impromptu halting of testosterone.
  Upon finishing "The Corporation" on youtube, I started thinking about environmental causes of trans and intersex conditions.  Emily sent me a terrifying and fascinating article about synthetic estrogens in plastics and incomplete virilization in male children.  Considering that so many FTMs have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Fibromyalgia, there's no reasonble explanation for the lack of research into this topic.  Proof of the effects of pesticides and other hormone disrupters on humans would result in a class action law suit of massive proportion.  We couldn't have that now, could we?
  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that trans and intersex people exist.  I think that there are also probably other biological reasons for our existence.  I would be lying, however, if I didn't express my rage at the idea that a chemical mishap may have resulted in my need for a costly and harrowing medical transition.  I also know that I, to the best of my knowledge was born with "normal" female genetalia and didn't experience any of the "corrective" surgery intersex babies are frequently given.  I still feel like Gender Identity Disorder probably falls some where along those lines.
More on this as I work on this article...

Date:	2008-01-07 19:52
Subject:	3 Months and 8 days!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

VoicePost 16K 0:04

(no transcription available)

I win! 
Note to Tracy: In case you didn't get my comment. I got the letter I sent you returned to me.  Give me your current e-mail and/or aim name.
My current e-mail is Nalpak85@gmail.

Date:	2007-12-14 18:25
Subject:	2 months: a quick photo update
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	"Unity" - Queen Latifah

So you can see how much my face is changing...

Date:	2007-12-11 09:54
Subject:	No more drama stew, thank you. I'm full.
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

  Pepper, our baby ritten, died yesterday.  She had gotten out of her cage and we were hoping to catch her our lure her back when she got hungry or homesick.  Venting under the cut because the details are jarring.

Date:	2007-12-10 15:16
Subject:	It's true.
Security:	Public
Mood:	weird

Date:	2007-12-01 12:40
Subject:	Voice: 2 Months on T
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

VoicePost 25K 0:07

(no transcription available)

I'm not feeling a photo update right now. I'll probably take a fully clothed pic just so you people can see how my face is changing. The body dysmorphia I'm experiencing is pretty rough right now. Seeing what has changed makes what hasn't changed (and won't change without surgery)harder to deal with.

Date:	2007-10-10 23:55
Subject:	The Lonelies
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

  Gabe and I, who used to be on the same manstration cycle, are now on the same T cycle.  We both noticed some out of the ordinary grumpiness and sluggishness in the past two days.  We are now on a ten day cycle of 100mgs.  Gabe injected me for the first time tonight.  I injected him again.  It went fine except that we both had some leakage.  I was like noooo, I need that! Even though it's not really a big deal.  I'll be more careful next time.  I don't think I pulled his skin taut enough.  Gabe now thinks giving people injections is fun.  That's good because his future job will have him doing it all day.  (I iz a human pin cushion. Put needle in my bum, kthanxbai)
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
I'm feeling pretty lonely lately.  Don't get me wrong, I love Gabe.  I just miss hanging with good, reliable, supportive friends.  It's hard because so many of my friends are scattered to the four winds.  I've been spending way too much time online keeping up with them.
What I am excited about is writing actual letters.  I sent one to Mo today.  I think Ween is writing to me too.  Tracy? You know you want to give me your home address.  E-mails, though good for sharing information, feel stripped of emotion to me.  If I can't be with my friends in person, maybe I'll try living vicariously through the postal service.  I did get to hang out with Claire today, who I haven't seen in months.  I hope she doesn't disappear again.  We had coffee and vented about unproductive discussion classes and unreliable people.
Part of the problem is that I've been really bad about planning fun things when I'm not at work.  I've been my usual workaholic self and that silly having fun thing sounded like wasting time. My bad.  Trying to fix that now.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************
I've been on T for one week and three days as of midnight tonight.  I feel like I'm posting more often than most guys do when they update their sites or whatever.  Meh, but I'm too excited not to. So here goes:
1. My dick is now visible when flaccid. *victory dance* (visible is a bit overstating things, but Gabe knows what I mean)
2.  My voice has definitely started dropping.  It's hard to hit the high notes when I'm singing along to Rilo Kiley.
3.  Acne...cystic acne.  Not awful because I'm using Proactive but enough to be annoyed about.
4. Lots more energy, this may be some depression lifting.  Don't know yet.  When I do sleep, I usually sleep like a rock.
5. Sex drive of a 13 yr. old boy.
6. Noticed that my fibro flares back up at the end of my T cycle.  I'm hoping the shorter schedule will help this. My legs hurt so fucking bad this week.

  I'm feeling extra...I don't know whistful? angsty? lately.
    I'm up for an assistant management position at my job.  I'm hella nervous but it's exactly what I need right now.  Keeping my fingers crossed.
*********************************
    I've dealt with a lot of the emotional left overs from my fucked up childhood.  One that I keep tripping over is my lack of socialization.  I always feel like I'm guessing at what's appropriate.  I've noticed that now I simply ask the people I'm talking to if my actions are appropriate.  I realize how ridiculous that sounds.  I'm getting better at figuring it out as time goes by but I'm constantly fearful of scaring potential friends and allies away by being overly eager.  I suppose it doesn't help that this early stage of transition has made me extra emotional.  I want to cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm pretty sure this has less to do with the hormones, and is related to the newness of everything going on in my life.  Still, my father instilled a very 1950's view of masculinity in me that is hard to shake.  When I cry in front of others I still feel like less of a man.  Any failure to live up to this ridiculous standard of manhood makes me feel a deep shame.  I guess I still have a lot of stereotypes to get over.
    It felt safe to be deeply emotional while I attempted to live as a woman, even if only privately.  I suppose I'm still the sad clown, but as a man it takes on a whole new form.
    I suppose it's humbling for anyone to show deep emotions in front of others in this culture.  Don't know.  How does everyone feel about that?

Date:	2007-10-04 14:51
Subject:	*blink*
Security:	Public
Mood:	impressed

  Gabe and I are dating this adorable TG queer guy named Mo.  I got about two solid hours of sleep last night. 

...


*grins*

  In other news:
1. plotting for "Ingest", the latest Athica art show
2. Gabe's psycho manager fired him on dubious causes, the day after he started hormones.  Gee, aren't we glad this is a right to work state. *rolls eyes*  It's ok because, provided Mr. Douchebag pays him on time, we'll make rent and have another month to figure shit out.
3.  Going to Athens Tech financial aid on Saturday to find out what our chances are of going back to school right now. 
4. Why is top surgery so fucking expensive?  Here's hoping our "Zombie Prom" makes a good chunk of transition fund money.
5. Liam no need sleep.  Sleep is for the weak. 

*Update* :  Gabe scored an interview with a catering place that he's already informed of his transition.  Some other food service jobs on the horizon. 

Date:	2007-10-02 20:00
Subject:	Emotional Rollar Coaster
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

Date:	2007-10-02 01:03
Subject:	T, literally in my butt
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant

Date:	2007-09-23 14:33
Subject:	Bitter Sweet
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

Attn: This entry deals with death.  If you are easily upset please read with caution.    Gabe and I had a dinner date with our friend Mo last night.  He's a sweetie.  Quote of the evening: "I wonder what Emma Goldman's stance on cheese was?" - Mo
  Unfortunately, while we were all eating cake and flirting my rat decided it was time to shuffle off the mortal coil.  Mo was fortunately very understanding.
  I will miss Louise because she was my baby.  She was bonded to me in a way that was different from how I've been with other pets.  It was me she lept to when she knew it was time to go.  It was very fast and I'm grateful that she is no longer suffering. 
  I made a small plot for her in the backyard and I'm hoping to keep some of her bones if we have to move out of this apartment.  I understand that it may sound morbid to some people but I would like to have her bones on my altar.  She was my familiar. 
  Thelma, her cage mate, is down but seems to be as relieved as we are that she doesn't have to watch Louise gasp for air all the time.  Our younger male rat and Thelma will probably swap cages so that Thelma doesn't have to be a giant aquarium by herself.  Rudy is a people rat...and he's huge.  He'll be happier with some extra space.
  I'm going to spend the next few days in relatively solitude while I deal with this loss.
-Liam

Date:	2007-09-18 19:51
Subject:	Effin Flakey
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

  So...the good news is that I have two shows this fall.  The bad news is that I can't afford to get everything framed but one of them needs my work by Thursday.  Also...they listed my name as Gen which is NOT the name I gave her but the one that yahoo won't let me change.  I'm so pissed right now, there aren't words. 

!!!$$%^#%^$%@!!!!!!...